Back to School
I never thought I would be back at this point.
After graduating, two years ago, I never thought that I would go back to school. But here I am, picking myself back up, and enduring another journey.This time it is a little harder that I expected. Scratch that. A LOT harder than I expected. It isn't the school work that I find difficult. It is my surroundings. I never thought that going back to school would have a negative influence on my life, but it does now.
I've known for about 5 years now that I have anxiety. The quickly flowing blood through my veins, my racing hear, and pounding brain. I could always get through it, though. I never thought that it would be a reason school is so scary to me. Not the work, not the thousands of people, or the many assignments, but, anxiety alone. I have never really thought about anxiety as a bad thing in my life. I have always been able to cope. Until this year that is.
I've started my first year of University, majoring in Psychology. I never thought I would have the courage to go back to school, but I did. One thing I have learned from this is that you need to have courage and believe in yourself. It is something I was never really good at. I've been going to my classes regularly, and I never seemed to really think about my anxiety. When you're in a room filled with 399 other students, your mind is racing so much that you don't even have time to think about even having anxiety. You just sit, and listen. Not until my third midterm did I realize how much I have let anxiety take over my body. Definitely not a good experience and not something you want to admit to yourself. I was sitting in room 1120, waiting for my prof to handout our exams. I couldn't focus. She was talking about how much time we had to write, I was staring at her mouth hearing nothing as I was listening to her speak. Exams were down, time starts now. All I can hear is my brain pounding against my head, my pencil rubbing against the paper. First question, a, b, or c? C I believe its C. 'Okay, this isn't to bad, I can do this,'' I think to myself, as sweat beads flow down my head. I slowly begin to realize how hot I am feeling, a tear runs down my cheek and I hold it together. Question 2, Question 3, Question 4, cmon Linds. I suddenly can't hear the pounding of my head or beating of my heart anymore. Ringing. White. Complete silence.
BLANK
My brain in that moment. Completely empty, nothing I have experienced before. Another tear ran down my face, and I feel like I finally gave up. I believed in myself for the longest time, I told myself that I could do it. I wasn't stupid, I wasn't dumb. But now, here I am, in the middle of the lecture hall. Blank. I have never experience anxiety that worse in my life. After I finished my exam, I met up with my boyfriend. I had nothing to say. I didn't even feel like talking. he assured me everything was going to be 'ok'. I tried to believe him but in the bottom of my heart I felt like an absolute failure. Like I could do nothing else at that point.
Anxiety is one thing that I find hard to talk about because everyone has their own personal kinds of anxiety. Everyone has their opinions. I get very emotional when it comes to talking about anxiety, because I never thought that something so insignificant, could take over my entire body, and make me feel 9 feet deep in a hole, watching water pour overtop of me. Anxiety makes me feel helpless, sometimes even hopeless. Two words I never thought I'd say. I have always been a positive person and tried not to let little things define who I am. I used to be afraid of these two words. People would always say "Don't say that, everything is/ will be okay." I tried to push those two words away until I realized that it was okay. It is okay to feel weak, it's okay to feel helpless, hopeless and lonely. I've learned now, that in order to overcome these things, you have to accept them. When I feel weak, I cry. When I feel helpless, I keep myself in a closed room, alone. When I feel hopeless, I stare at a wall, thinking. And, when I feel lonely, I sleep. If you don't accept any of the things you are afraid of being, you won't be able to overcome them. I cannot say that I have over come all, or even one of these things. But I can say that I am one step closer to being able to deal with my anxiety. that is the most important part.
This month, I realized that my anxiety is absolutely real, and sometimes more that I can deal with. I've learned that it is okay to take a step back. Sometimes all you need is time by yourself to let yourself heal. It is also very hard to be alone when your mind is racing, and all you need to do is breathe, because it will be okay. Take a step back, close your eyes. Don't make any judgements when you feel like this, you aren't in a good state of mind. allow yourself ten seconds, ten deep breaths. Look in the mirror, and tell yourself "you are loved." Let yourself cry, bawl, scream. Release the emotion that is built up inside of you. I've learned that you need to accept every emotion your body creates, because if you don't accept it, it may reject you, and create a bigger monster in your head.
Trust, love, breathe, and more importantly, believe in yourself. Accept help from loved ones, because when you try and push them away you will only feel worse. Once you start accepting every aspect of yourself, you will start to live a happy life.
After graduating, two years ago, I never thought that I would go back to school. But here I am, picking myself back up, and enduring another journey.
I've known for about 5 years now that I have anxiety. The quickly flowing blood through my veins, my racing hear, and pounding brain. I could always get through it, though. I never thought that it would be a reason school is so scary to me. Not the work, not the thousands of people, or the many assignments, but, anxiety alone. I have never really thought about anxiety as a bad thing in my life. I have always been able to cope. Until this year that is.
I've started my first year of University, majoring in Psychology. I never thought I would have the courage to go back to school, but I did. One thing I have learned from this is that you need to have courage and believe in yourself. It is something I was never really good at. I've been going to my classes regularly, and I never seemed to really think about my anxiety. When you're in a room filled with 399 other students, your mind is racing so much that you don't even have time to think about even having anxiety. You just sit, and listen. Not until my third midterm did I realize how much I have let anxiety take over my body. Definitely not a good experience and not something you want to admit to yourself. I was sitting in room 1120, waiting for my prof to handout our exams. I couldn't focus. She was talking about how much time we had to write, I was staring at her mouth hearing nothing as I was listening to her speak. Exams were down, time starts now. All I can hear is my brain pounding against my head, my pencil rubbing against the paper. First question, a, b, or c? C I believe its C. 'Okay, this isn't to bad, I can do this,'' I think to myself, as sweat beads flow down my head. I slowly begin to realize how hot I am feeling, a tear runs down my cheek and I hold it together. Question 2, Question 3, Question 4, cmon Linds. I suddenly can't hear the pounding of my head or beating of my heart anymore. Ringing. White. Complete silence.
BLANK
My brain in that moment. Completely empty, nothing I have experienced before. Another tear ran down my face, and I feel like I finally gave up. I believed in myself for the longest time, I told myself that I could do it. I wasn't stupid, I wasn't dumb. But now, here I am, in the middle of the lecture hall. Blank. I have never experience anxiety that worse in my life. After I finished my exam, I met up with my boyfriend. I had nothing to say. I didn't even feel like talking. he assured me everything was going to be 'ok'. I tried to believe him but in the bottom of my heart I felt like an absolute failure. Like I could do nothing else at that point.
Anxiety is one thing that I find hard to talk about because everyone has their own personal kinds of anxiety. Everyone has their opinions. I get very emotional when it comes to talking about anxiety, because I never thought that something so insignificant, could take over my entire body, and make me feel 9 feet deep in a hole, watching water pour overtop of me. Anxiety makes me feel helpless, sometimes even hopeless. Two words I never thought I'd say. I have always been a positive person and tried not to let little things define who I am. I used to be afraid of these two words. People would always say "Don't say that, everything is/ will be okay." I tried to push those two words away until I realized that it was okay. It is okay to feel weak, it's okay to feel helpless, hopeless and lonely. I've learned now, that in order to overcome these things, you have to accept them. When I feel weak, I cry. When I feel helpless, I keep myself in a closed room, alone. When I feel hopeless, I stare at a wall, thinking. And, when I feel lonely, I sleep. If you don't accept any of the things you are afraid of being, you won't be able to overcome them. I cannot say that I have over come all, or even one of these things. But I can say that I am one step closer to being able to deal with my anxiety. that is the most important part.
This month, I realized that my anxiety is absolutely real, and sometimes more that I can deal with. I've learned that it is okay to take a step back. Sometimes all you need is time by yourself to let yourself heal. It is also very hard to be alone when your mind is racing, and all you need to do is breathe, because it will be okay. Take a step back, close your eyes. Don't make any judgements when you feel like this, you aren't in a good state of mind. allow yourself ten seconds, ten deep breaths. Look in the mirror, and tell yourself "you are loved." Let yourself cry, bawl, scream. Release the emotion that is built up inside of you. I've learned that you need to accept every emotion your body creates, because if you don't accept it, it may reject you, and create a bigger monster in your head.
Trust, love, breathe, and more importantly, believe in yourself. Accept help from loved ones, because when you try and push them away you will only feel worse. Once you start accepting every aspect of yourself, you will start to live a happy life.
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