"I can't help you"

All I want is someone to talk to. It was a normal day and everything was just like it always is. Once I got home, it hit me. My eyes swelled up, me ears ringing, wondering why this was happening right now. But I don't know. Sometimes you don't ever know.  Anxiety is the worst because you feel like a little pebble among other boulders. Anything you possibly do isn't good enough. Or at least, that's how you feel. You feel as if it is so obvious, that you need to run and hide. "I need help" You want to find help, but you don't want people thinking "she needs help". It's push and pull, do I ask, do I sleep, will I be ok on my own? You will always think about the worst thing that could happen before the best thing. It's inevitable. But why think? Just do. "I need your help".... All these thoughts running through my head wondering what will happen next. I finally brought myself to say something, to tell someone, that I don't want to be alone. "I'm doing the right thing" I tell myself. I'm so proud of myself. This is step one of many.  "I'm sorry, but I don't know how to help." The words still ringing in my ears, my throat swelling, and feeling like I'm back on page one, starting the entire chapter over again. My mind is racing, thinking I had this planned out. I finally told someone and they can't help me. My worst fear has become a reality. As I sit here staring at my ceiling, I'm thinking about how I'm feeling. "Can I do this alone?" "I don't feel strong enough" "you're weak" "it's not your place to ask someone for help" "I'm sorry" ...these thoughts are running around my head a million miles per second, as I regret talking myself into asking for help.  They always say "I'm here if you ever need help".  But the harsh reality is that only one person can help you. And that person, is yourself. Find who you are. Listen to your body. Nobody will listen to you, better than you. Trust me it will be hard, my goodness it will be. But all you need to know is; the sun will always rise again and so should you.